The past month has been EXTREMELY heavy for me. I think this past week has been extremely heavy for a lot of us.
Every time I am asked "how are you feeling?" I haven't had a true answer. My brain and my heart aren't a stable emotion--it's more like I don't know how I feel because the emotions are missing.
And when emotions are missing, I know only one thing--I'm extremely disconnected and burnt out.
Like past my usual limit of being burnt out to where I can still function at a high level. I'm so burnt out that the only person I can think, look at, or respond to is myself. Getting to THAT point of burn out that automatically puts you in a survival mode where you are complete selfish in order to recharge and recovery is....well not great.
At all.
The high-functioning me is not giving high functioning...and I'm ok with that right now. Not because I want to be, but because this is where I need to be.
I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with you all before getting into the post is to remind you that we are all human. We are all evolving in many different ways and many different times---and struggle is apart of that.
I'm talking to myself with this post, but I am glad I have an outlet to share what I'm saying to you.
Burnout is like a form of "rock bottom." The best part about rock bottom though--the only way you can go is up.
When I experience burnout this heavy, I turn to a burnout recovery kit. A burnout recovery kit that you fill with things you enjoy to help you recover. (One cozy gamer that I thoroughly enjoy has a video on this, and I personally think everyone should watch it.) In mine, I usually focus on nostalgic things like Nintendo consoles, comfort foods, or my favorite shows.
For THIS burnout phase though--I needed something different. Using external forms was helpful for light burnout phases, but for server burnout that leaves you feeling lost, internal work is needed. This is where part of recovery is how you respond to yourself--how you reclaim your self-energy.
The concept of "Self" originated in the 1980s, from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. The therapy is based around the pieces of yourself that act together as a "family" to create your full self.. I don't think I can explain it better than the IFS Institute website does, so here's a brief paragraph that leads into what I'm getting at:
"Self is a transformative tool that conceives of every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us. Self is in everyone. It can’t be damaged. It knows how to heal."
When you can't feel how you're feeling--you're disconnected to yourself. I think I've been disconnected for much longer than I think I have. So, finding out about IFS hit my main problem right on the head.
Within your Self, you can experience what the IFS model calls the 8 Cs: Confidence, calm, compassion, courage, creativity, clarity, curiosity, and connectedness.
Self-energy is the experience--basically how you are feeling those 8s within your core Self. Within my process of understanding it, I've recognized how much I have changed in how I feel during each of those Cs. How present am I when I'm calm versus when I'm curious--and if those degrees of how I feel are intentional.
What I'm NOT saying by presenting this science of a therapy model is to go get therapy.
What I AM saying is that self-energy is a form of intentional self-validation that allows us to recognize our feelings, rest thoughtfully, and eventually recover with purpose.
Time doesn't stop for any of our emotions, as much as it feels like it does within our minds and hearts. We all still have external things to do--bills, jobs, and lives to live. As we recover, make sure you are taking care of your internal self in an intentional way that continuously allows you to heal long-term.
The role of self-validation helps you continuously check in, support, and understand yourself in every state.
The role of self-validation is VERY important in recovery--and I didn't recognize it until now.
I'm not going to say "stay strong" or "keep grinding" in times like this. For now, the correct phrases are "stay strong for a little while and rest" or "keep grinding when you feel you can". If you only have 20 percent to give and you're giving all of that, you are giving 100% of your best--and that's more than enough.
Today's quote, from Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio: "You must try your best and that's the best anybody can do."
Amaya's (Slightly Modified) Quote: "If you are trying your best--that's the best you can do."
Just keep living as best as you currently can.
your host & professionally certified yapper,
~ Amaya :)
